The Non Romantic Narcissistic Relationship Nobody Warns You About

I was in a narcissistic relationship for 38 years. I did not even know what a narcissist was until the nineties, and I still could not see what I was in until decades after that.

What the Empathy Trap Actually Is

The empathy trap is when you work out why the person behaves this way, then use that reason as the excuse for staying and continuing to help them.

It costs you your health, because you lose yourself. You are so busy taking care of them, so preoccupied with what they think of you, that there is no room left for anything else. That drain is exhausting.

It also leaves you confused. You thought they loved you, and if they did, why behave like this? Then they love bomb you. And when the criticism comes afterwards it hurts to the core, and you find yourself asking what you did to displease them.

Why I Stayed as Long as I Did

My father died when I was 13 and my mother when I was 33. This woman had been my teacher and mentor. My mother had asked her to keep an eye on me after she was gone, and she did not mean it the way it turned out.

There were payoffs, and I want to be honest about them. I liked feeling special. She was charming, funny, clever and wise, and she did save me from a lot of suffering early on. She guided me to good decisions more than once.

I was vulnerable when I met her, and I entrenched myself so deeply that I felt I had no alternatives. I did not say no to her for 38 years.

What Happened When I Finally Said No

It was bad. She put seeds of doubt into people close enough to hear her but not close enough to know the truth. She gathered what I think of as a fantasy committee, the woman at the park, the woman at the doctor's front desk, and spoke about me to them.

When I got out, I grieved. I was ashamed. I felt crazy, because I had been gaslit for so long, and because I could not believe that I, a capable person who functions well in every other relationship, had fallen for it completely.

I had to get past that shame. I could keep beating myself up, and it would only deprive me of joy I deserve. Remove the shame from it.

High Conflict Is a Second Thing

Narcissism and high conflict are not the same, and where they sit together the effect multiplies. Put them in one person and there is constant drama, someone cast as the enemy, and a lawsuit somewhere in the background or the threat of one.

A high conflict person feels the world owes them. Ripped off, treated without justice, victimized. They are looking for someone to pay it back, and it does not have to be the person who did it to them.

The Resources That Helped Me

It's Not You did more for me than anything else. I would read a page and it would reset my compass. Its author has a YouTube channel, and a few minutes of that would tell me I was not crazy.

BIFF, by Bill Eddy, is about high conflict people in legal disputes. Brief, informative, friendly and firm. Eddy is a social worker who became an attorney, and his explanation of the behavior let me file it in my brain and take the emotion out.

If you are just starting, Boundaries is a good place to begin. It is very Christian, so read the parts that apply if that is not your thing. It gave me permission to have a boundary at all, when mine barely existed.

Get a Lawyer Before You Need One

If there is a legal dimension to your situation, do not be shy about finding an attorney. I am not a lawyer, and I do know that one word in a contract can change everything.

I found my elder care attorney by walking past an office and going in with five minutes to spare. The woman inside was on her last day after thirty years, and she pointed me at someone excellent. I call it the rule of three phone calls. Three calls will usually get you where you need to go.

My lawyers are mean. That is their job, and I pay them for it so I do not have to be. Contracts preserve relationships the same way boundaries do. A contract is a formalized boundary. Going into any business arrangement, agree how everyone gets out of it while everyone is still happy.

There Is a Life on the Other Side

Some of you will not be able to leave yet, physically, financially or emotionally. There are still things you can do, and understanding the pattern is the first.

When you reclaim your boundaries and your own energy, things open up. Your health. Your finances. A future without that weight on it. There are tools, and there are support groups.

You may have to work very hard to get out, and it is worth it. There is life and love on the other side of this. Be your own detective, and hang in there.