Is It Too Late to Change Your Life? Why Forgiving Yourself Comes First | Barbara Barna Abel

Barbara Barna Abel is a communications coach and author, and she's been in my corner for years, back to when this show was still an idea I wasn't sure about. She coaches people through change for a living, so she's watched a lot of people actually do it.

What keeps you stuck is rarely what got you stuck

Barbara draws a line between the two. Something happened. A job ended, a marriage got hard, your health changed, or the years just went by. That's the cause. What keeps you in place is what came afterwards: the blame, the shame, the guilt, the quiet belief that you're stuck because it's where you're supposed to be. That you earned it. That you're not good enough.

She's blunt that this part is hard work. She's also clear it's the part that moves, because you can't do much about what happened and you can do something about what you decided it meant.

Why forgiving yourself comes first

This is her actual starting move, and it surprised me the first time I heard it. Not a plan. Not a goal. Forgive yourself, then be open to the possibility that things could be different.

She's careful about how much openness she's asking for. You don't have to fling the door wide. Picture a door that's cracked, or the shoe people used to wedge in one to keep it from closing. You haven't bought in. You've just stopped holding it shut. She calls that a big energetic shift, and I think it's where everything else starts.

Ask how you want to feel, not what you want

Barbara has sat through more vision board workshops than she can count, and her issue with them is that they're mostly about things. Start somewhere else. How do you want to feel?

Get specific with it. I want to wake up without pain. I want to feel like myself again. She points out that some of us are in situations where the pain isn't going away entirely, and how we relate to it can still shift. One of the maxims she trained under is that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional, because suffering is how we handle the pain.

The hard no you set years ago

This one landed on me personally. My sister once saw a licence plate that said NO THANKS and told me it was me. She wasn't wrong. I was a hard no on a lot of things, and dogs were near the top of that list.

Then I met a dog at an airport, a soldier's dog, and something in me came loose. Sadie's been one of the great joys of my life. Barbara's question is the one I wish I'd asked sooner: how is that hard no working for you now? The thing that made you set that boundary may not be true anymore. You're allowed to check.

Notice how you talk to yourself

Most of us wouldn't say to a friend what we say to ourselves on an ordinary Tuesday. Barbara's point is that the meanness may not stop entirely. The change is catching it, and going, wait, I'd like to take that back.

She recommends two books on this, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter and Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson, and a gratitude list if you don't keep one. Nothing grand. She's written down her morning coffee. She's written down a Real Housewives marathon. The point is the noticing, not the profundity, and it costs nothing.

What is your money story?

We don't talk about money enough, which is part of why it keeps so many people stuck. Barbara's prompts are simple and they go deep fast. What's your relationship with money? What was your family's value system around it? Was money shared, or a reward, or a punishment?

Underneath that sits the deserving question, whether you believe financial ease is allowed to be yours. Barbara also names something I hadn't put words to. In most films the villain is the one with the money, and the successful woman gets shamed for taking a call. If that's the story you absorbed, wanting more can feel like agreeing to become the bad guy.

What if people notice you changing?

This one's real and I don't want to talk anyone out of it. Some people will be delighted for you. Some won't, for reasons that have more to do with them than with you, and Barbara's honest that this shows up especially for women in transformation.

She says getting it out of your head helps, that speaking it or writing it down can lower anxiety. And here's the part worth hearing twice. She was intimidated in the weight room at her gym, certain everyone was watching the newbie. Nobody was. They were wrapped up in themselves, which is what people mostly are.

So no, it isn't too late. Pick one rule you've been living by and ask whether it still fits the life you're in now. Forgive yourself for the years it took to notice. You get to choose again, and you get to write what comes next. There's hope, there are answers, and you're not alone in this.